Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
