he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
