Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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