he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
