Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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