tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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