Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
