I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
