i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
