maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
