Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
