You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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