If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
