my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Found your dick twin last night
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
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