If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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