I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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