I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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