Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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