talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
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