Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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