Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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