She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
