good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
only you would photoshop your dick
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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