You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
