I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
