You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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