Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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