I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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