youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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