we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
