he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
