Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
