Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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