Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
