Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
