My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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