mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
