ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
