my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
