Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
