allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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