Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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