you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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