Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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