I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
