i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
