Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
