If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
