I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
