i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
