Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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