seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
