He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
