I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
