I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
