I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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