If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I cut my penus on the lid.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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