Someone shit on the floor
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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