I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
