She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
