Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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