I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
