im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
