did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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