Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
